


Alchemization Guide for Imbeciles, by schadenfreudeSchwarmerei

by cryptologicalMystic



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Replay Value AU, SBURB Guide, Vaguely Helpful (If Rather Condescending)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:51:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4236186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptologicalMystic/pseuds/cryptologicalMystic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It has come to my attention that people are trolling Sboobs who don't know their alchemy facts with blatant misinformation. While I understand the mentality that goes into the decision to do so, I've seen several rather high-profile personalities getting into this! I'm not naming names, as the facts are easily accessible without me explicitly linking to the incidents, but don't you people have reputations to maintain?"<br/>Marina Torres, alias schadenfreudeSchwarmerei, vents her frustrations with alchemy misconceptions in a grandiloquent and off-putting manner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alchemization Guide for Imbeciles, by schadenfreudeSchwarmerei

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sburb Glitch FAQ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/340777) by [GodsGiftToGrinds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodsGiftToGrinds/pseuds/GodsGiftToGrinds). 



It has come to my attention that people are trolling Sboobs who don't know their alchemy facts with blatant misinformation. While I understand the mentality that goes into the decision to do so, I've seen several rather high-profile personalities getting into this! I'm not naming names, as the facts are easily accessible without me explicitly linking to the incidents, but don't you people have reputations to maintain? One would think that being eternally trapped in a murderous video game would make people come to the conclusion that playing pranks involving misinterpretation of said murderous video game's mechanics would not be the best idea, but no! Apparently everyone has the same level of casual sadism as they do in normal, non-fatal games, with an estimated 99% more slight cases of death and ludicrous% more permadeath. In any case, I have carefully pruned the worst shards of hideous lies from the depths of the Internet, and transformed them into majestic truth for your absorption! I’ve even painstakingly removed my typing quirk from the whole mess. Without further ado:

 

**1\. There is no punchcard pattern for antimatter.**

This one is just common sense. If you alchemized antimatter all on its own, it would annihilate part of your alchemiter (and the air), cause an explosion which would probably kill you, and irradiate the surrounding area. Having an “antimatter” captcha code would also serve the same purpose as having a “matter” captcha code: precisely none, because it is possible to make things out of antimatter the same way it is to make things out of normal matter. They just tend to be very transient and very volatile when confronted with much of the rest of the universe.

 

**2\. You cannot alchemize anything with a Perfectly Generic Object.**

Perfectly Generic Object && non-PGO object = Perfectly Generic Object. Perfectly Generic Object || non-PGO object = the same non-PGO object. This is simple mathematics, people!

 

** 3\. Every captchalogue code is precisely eight characters. No more. No less. **

This shouldn’t require explanation, but given the average intelligence of Internet denizens, which is an amount so small that it is practically microscopic, it does, in fact, seem to need to be affirmed in plain sight. Why me? Why am I stuck among these woefully miniscule minds?

 

** 4\. Recipes in format “[any item in category X] &&/|| [any item in category Y] = specific item Z” are in all probability fake. **

I understand that there is a certain amount of flexibility in punch card recipes from one session to the next. That does not mean that ANY item in X can go with ANY item in category Y to make one specific item with one specific code. As an example, let’s say I have two different toothbrushes and two different pastries, and I want to make some sort of scone tooth cleaner. Toothbrush 1 has the code QWERTYUI, toothbrush 2 has the code OPASDFGH, pastry 1 has the code JKLZXCVB, and pastry 2 has the code NM123456. (Yes, these codes are unimaginative. Does it matter, in the grand scheme of things? Answer: not according to the Game, no. "But schSch," you might say, "the Game doesn't exactly think we matter, either!" The Game is not sapient; it is a reproductive mechanism for universes that happens to have the appearance of an opinion - said pseudo-opinion involving delighting in our suffering.)

Toothbrush 1 && pastry 1 = I04310U2  
Toothbrush 1 || pastry 1 = RqVxzkVR  
Toothbrush 2 && pastry 2 = GG001400  
Toothbrush 2 || pastry 2 = VVBUFFLN  
Toothbrush 1 && pastry 2 = I0021042  
Toothbrush 1 || pastry 2 = VsFRVcVM  
Toothbrush 2 && pastry 1 = GG001CG1  
Toothbrush 2 || pastry 1 = RTV!jFVR

Every permutation of [toothbrush] &&/|| [pastry] results in a different code and a different useless item, one of which may be the specific useless item I wanted to get. Alchemy is not ‘magic’. It works by a strict set of rules, which none of the moronic people I know seem to be able to consistently remember.

(Alchemy codes have been calculated using [this website here](http://jingloria.x10.mx/lostpawns/Alchemy%20Combinator.html), originally made by mifftheFox and fixed by creeperPuncher and shinyJiggly. I must admit, it's quite a lot more efficient than either doing the math by hand or wasting punch cards.)

 

**5\. Transmutancy does nothing to the results you get from a specific captcha code.**

Everyone I have met in this game seems to believe that if you use the same recipe multiple times, you will get different results depending on how high this stat is. This is so wrong that it is off the charts. It is the exact opposite of a truth. The same captcha code and the same recipe will always lead to the exact same results. Transmutancy only influences your chances of hitting upon the right recipe. The chances are that it is related to the Game’s ‘luck’ stat.

 

**6\. The order of the ingredients in the recipe does not matter when the recipe has less than three ingredients.**

This misconception I don’t understand at all. Why do people think this matters? It is mathematics. It works the same way as multiplication and addition; 2 * 3 and 3 * 2 both equal 6, 2 + 3 and 3 + 2 both equal 5. It is, essentially, the Commutative Property of Alchemy.

To return to the toothbrush-pastry example:

Toothbrush 1 && pastry 1 = I04310U2  
Pastry 1 && toothbrush 1 = I04310U2  
Toothbrush 2 || pastry 2 = VVBUFFLN  
Pastry 2 || toothbrush 2 = VVBUFFLN

When you have three or more ingredients, however, things change. Let's discard toothbrush 2 and pastry 2, and add a spoon to the collection. (Apparently we are trying to make dental hygiene scones that are utensil-shaped.) Spoon 1 has the code 7890?!ab.

Toothbrush 1 && pastry 1 && spoon 1 = 20000040  
Pastry 1 && spoon 1 && toothbrush 1 = 20000040  
Spoon 1 && toothbrush 1 && pastry 1 = 20000040

"But schSch," you might say, "those all have the same result! You just said that things change with 3+ ingredients, but I don't see them changing!" 

Good point. In fact, it's less about the number of ingredients, and more about the number of different operations (&& vs. ||):

Toothbrush 1 && pastry 1 || spoon 1 = N8D3!!?d  
Pastry 1 && spoon 1 || toothbrush 1 = RWFRzkUJ  
Spoon 1 && toothbrush 1 || pastry 1 = 2080SY40  
Toothbrush 1 && spoon 1 || pastry 1 = 2080SY40  
Pastry 1 && toothbrush 1 || spoon 1 = N8D3!!?d  
Spoon 1 && pastry 1 || toothbrush 1 = RWFRzkUJ

(Yes, the bottom three codes are just the top three codes in a different order; this is because the initial two ingredients of recipes with the same final codes are also the same, and codes are calculated left-to-right.)

As you can see, once you involve both && and || operations, all bets are off, and the order of ingredients suddenly becomes a hell of a lot more meaningful. 

 

I understand that there are many more ‘false facts’ out there, waiting to be wrenched from their podiums and dropped unceremoniously in the garbage. However, this is all the strain that my brain can take without screeching, leaping out of my skull, and imploding with a squelch of insanity. The Internet is a horrific place, and I do not understand why those who frequent it constantly try to make it more horrific. (One would think it would be counterproductive....) It is with great relief that I hand the torch of correcting idiots’ mistakes over to whomever wants the responsibility, regardless of whether or not that person exists. (I don’t care; I just have no tolerance for the sheer volume of **THIS IS STUPID** I have thus far encountered. I see enough of it during S***b proper.)

 

Signing off, with great hope that I will never see anyone succumbing to these sorts of foolishness again,

 

Marina Torres

schadenfreudeSchwarmerei

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**Author's Note:**

>  ~~For those interested: Marina isn't technically a troll; she's really a sentient brain parasite controlling a troll body. Her species' culture was kind of crazy, to say the least. She's also a native Dame of Law, but circumstances led to her not really getting the hang of her Title before the Reckoning started.~~ [subject to change until I figure out: 1. exactly where I want her in the timeline; 2. the RVAU classpect system]
> 
> EDIT: I have cleared up some typos, added to item 4, cited a source, and given Marina a crude ASCII signature.
> 
> EDIT 2: Fixed alchemy and cited a different source in place of first one; thanks to frozenLake for pointing out the error.
> 
> EDIT 3: Section 6 has been completely revamped, because it was completely wrong. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.


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